A Sarcastic Survival Guide: 5 Tips for Avoiding Sexual Assault
Please follow these tips if you want to avoid being blamed if someone sexually assaults you.
1. Don’t use dating apps like Tinder, Grindr, Hinge, etc. to meet people. If you want to go on dates or meet new people, you must bring your parental figure or private security guard along with you to safe places like grocery stores, Costco, or airplanes. There you may flirt with friendly-looking strangers. Of course, many of these strangers will feel intrigued by you and want to meet up again. Only meet up in the presence of your parent or guard for the first year of dating until you really, really get to know them. All dates should be in public places for the first two years.
2. Never flirt with someone unless you have known them for at least five years and have determined them to be safe.
3. Avoid dorm rooms, college campuses, all bedrooms, bars, the T, nursing homes, workplaces, and being on the street. If at all possible don’t live in cities, small towns, or rural areas. Really any place populated with people should be avoided.
4. Never, ever engage in sexual behavior or foreplay – this includes sexting! If you want some romance in your relationships, consider discussing food, books, your parents, or past injuries and medical history.
5. Don’t display any part of your body at any time. If needed to be able to get around, you may consider wearing a sheet with holes cut out for your eyes (google ghost costumes for inspiration).
(Of note: it’s likely people will still find a way to blame you because it feels safer to some to live in a world where bad things don’t just happen, they happen to people who “asked for it”.)